


the rubble of our love

by withoutwords



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23048677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: Ben knows three things for sure.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 30
Kudos: 190





	the rubble of our love

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer, I’ve never shared a shower or used snapchat so please forgive my artistic license haha. Thank you to the anon who sent the prompt “five times callum wrote I l" and I assumed it meant I love you, to ben. I played with the idea a little but hopefully you enjoy it.
> 
> also this is written from ben's point of view as he struggles with his loss of hearing. it touches on self-worth and depression so please be wary. also, as a hearing person who is only very slowly learning aussie sign language, if any of this feels off or ableist please let me know. thanks so much all, hope you enjoy xx
> 
> (ps, title is from the song castles. sort of)

**1.**

Ben knows three things for sure: He’s deaf, his hearing might never come back, and he’s never been more terrified in his life. 

If he wrote a list, maybe it would look something like this:

  * Vulnerable
  * Weak
  * Outcast
  * Broken



But more likely it will look like this:

  * Can’t hear Lexi laugh
  * Won’t know when Jay is calling for me
  * Don’t feel the sound of Callum when we’re alone, together
  * Can’t, won’t, don’t, haven’t, shouldn’t, never, never



Ben’s been low before. The lowest, his feet scraping the bottom of the barrel (blood, and death, and Paul). But those are things done to him, and things he’d done to himself - _this_ is just poor chance and bad luck. This is just the universe laughing at him.

He hates to be laughed at.

 _please look at me_ , Callum sends through a text, as they sit side by side on the couch. Ben’s jaw clenches tight, but he looks.

When Callum tries to mouth something slowly to Ben, Ben turns his head away. He’s tired, and he’s sick of trying to read lips that don’t know what they’re doing. He shakes his phone in the air.

_don’t shut me out, Ben_

“I ain’t.”

_you are. I can’t understand what you’re going through but I can listen_

Ben wipes at his face, still too stubborn to look over. Stubborn, like he always is, and hurt, that he lost his boyfriend for so many long, dark days and now he can’t even hear him say Ben’s name. “I’m fine. I’m just tired.”

Callum wraps a hand over Ben’s thigh, squeezing. _you’re a terrible liar, but I ain’t gonna push you_

Ben puts his hand on Callum’s. His way of saying thanks, in a way.

His phone buzzes again.

_I love you_

Ben looks at Callum. He doesn’t need the message to know that, he can see it there in his face.

He saves the message, anyway.

**2.**

Ben gets back to the car lot as soon as he can. It’s a livelihood, sure, but it’s also a way to bury himself in something that isn’t the painful silence (or the very loud and painful grief of losing Dennis that’s shaking his family, and splintering the Square). Jay’s there to greet customers and answer the phone, while Ben hides in the back and pores over paperwork.

It’s enough, for now, enough to get through the hours, the days, the weeks.

Enough to make him believe that _he’s_ enough too. 

“Jesus!” he yells when Callum creeps up on him in the shower, naked as the day he was born. Ben gives him a once over. “Not that it ain’t a nice sight, babe, but warn a guy, wouldya?

Callum says sorry, and Ben understands it. In all the ways he means it.

“I gotta be at the car lot soon, it will have to be a quick quickie.”

Callum grins. He shakes his head. _just this_

Callum turns Ben back under the water spray, reaching for the soap. Ben makes a noise he can only feel, as Callum scrubs gently at his neck, his shoulders, his back. “Feels good,” Ben tells him honestly, tipping his head back, welcoming Callum’s fingers up over his scalp and through his hair. 

Despite the chaos of his life - now and then, and in the future - Ben knows how lucky he is. He has a family, a daughter, and a man who loves him. A man who takes care of him, but doesn’t take his bullshit. 

Ben knows, he does, even if he’s often terrible at showing it.

“Babe,” Ben says when he can hardly take Callum’s touches any more. He gets Callum’s back against the shower screen, gets his face in his hands and his tongue in his mouth. It’s slippery and cool and Callum’s fingers dig into his back, his cock pressing into Ben’s hip. Ben sighs.

There was time he would have fucked Callum into next Sunday, and never shown up at work again. But this isn’t the fleeting romp it used to be. They can do this tonight, tomorrow, next week. They can do this forever, if Ben plays his cards right.

“We ain’t got time right now.”

Callum grins. He manages to get Ben into his grasp, an arm around his chest, and turn them both towards the foggy glass.

 _rain check?_ he writes with a digit, Ben feeling his laughter when Callum catches him rolling his eyes.

Ben turns in for another kiss, hands at Callum’s forearm and leaning back into his chest, trusting. Callum’s other hand plays at Ben’s belly, his side, teasing, teasing until it’s too much.

“I’ve really gotta go.”

Callum holds up a finger, wait, then writes on the glass again.

_I love you_

Ben kisses him, again, slow and meaning it, before pushing him right into the water spray, and watching him splutter. “Trying to woo me when I’m late for work! I’m telling Jay!”

**3.**

Callum’s still pursuing the police force. He’s not talking to Ben about it - something he probably thinks he’s doing as a kindness - but it’s not hard to work out. Not when he’s popping out for an “appointment” or “meeting a friend”. Not when he can barely meet Jack’s eye if they bump into him at the cafe. 

Ben doesn’t push.

Truth be told, it probably is a kindness. Ben can’t really think about how Callum and their future will change once he’s a copper - not since so much has changed already. Sometimes he imagines how simple it could have been, back then. If Callum had just left Whitney, and Ben had just told his dad to do one.

If Ben had just let that be the answer. Callum. Lexi. The future. 

When his phone vibrates against his desk, with a Snapchat from Callum, Ben doesn’t hesitate to open it. It’s a flier for a community class. British Sign Language. Callum has captioned it with, _what do you think?_ underlining where it says ‘classes start’.

Ben feels his hand clench tight around his phone. He takes a photo of a flier for the car lot, and sends it back with, _need a better marketing team, like us_

 _just a thought_ Callum says in a text, followed shortly by, _Lexi might like to learn with you._

For a brief, ugly moment, Ben considers having a go at Callum for using his daughter against him. But he takes a deep breath and reconsiders. The universe might be out to get him, but Callum’s not, and he can’t afford to start thinking that way. Not when everything else is out of his control.

Besides, he’s right. Lexi has been so excited to share what she knows with Ben, and he’s amazed every day how she takes it in her stride, how she wants to better herself. How she wants to help Ben better himself. 

_I’ll think about it_ , he sends a little later, after reading a bit more about it online. The course is only local, in Hotten, and he should be eligible for some financial aid. _thank you x_

Callum sends back another snapchat, just him in his suit blowing a kiss.

 _I love you_ , he writes.

Ben sends a heart straight back. 

**4.**

Ben’s a man of many traits. Hard nosed and unwilling to compromise - strong in his beliefs and almost always tired of everyone’s bullshit. He’s thick skinned, and not scared to let people know what he really thinks; impatient and willing to go to any lengths to get what he wants. He’s cunning, and smart, and has a good head for figures. He can build businesses from nothing and pull apart others with just the right move.

But. He’s also a simple man, with simple needs.

A beer, the telly, and, most importantly, sex.

Lots, and lots, of sex.

“Fuck, fuck,” he feels himself shout from his belly, Callum behind him and over him and rocking into him faster, and faster. It’s the friction of their skin, and the scratch of Callum’s nails at his sides, and the angle of his cock hitting the right spot over and over again. He’s trembling, falling onto his elbows, getting a desperate hand around his leaking dick to finish himself off.

He closes his eyes as he comes, feeling the heat of it splash against his skin. He calls out for Callum to keep going, biting at his lips as his movements become stilted and almost too much. He’s hot all over and little fireworks are going off across every hair on his body and the feel of Callum coming inside him makes him call out again.

He loves this. He loves feeling _so, so much_ , because it means he can forget about the sound of it. 

He misses it, sure, the sounds Callum would make, grunting and huffing and saying his name like an oath. The slap of their skin and the rock of the bed and the sheets getting tangled under their knees.

He misses it, he does, but he still feels connected. Connected to Callum, and himself and the two of them together. Connected to truth, and life, and the things that are real.

“Amazing,” Ben tells him when he cuddles up to Callum, resting his cheek on his chest to feel the harried beat of his heart. He likes to press his hand to him sometimes, just to check. His throat, his heart, his belly, his cock. Just to know he’s there, and he’s the same.

When Callum tries to show Ben his phone a little while later, Ben pushes it away. “Don’t ruin it.”

Callum tries again. “Callum, stop.”

When Callum nudges him to get him to look, this time Ben pushes Callum. Adrenaline, anger, total sadness. “Stop. I don’t want to look at your fucking phone, I want you to hold me!”

When Callum comes in for a hug, his phone is nowhere to be seen. He pulls Ben to him, the two of them tangled together in the middle of the bed as Ben cries onto Callum’s shoulder. “I know I have to start making it work, but I don’t want to.

Callum pulls him in tighter.

“Texting, sign language, implants … there’s all these answers but none of ‘em mean going back to the way I was. I just wanna go back!”

Callum holds him, still. Holds him, and keeps him up, and lets him cry himself dry onto his shoulder. It’s not until much later when they’re both lying down, Ben exhausted, that he signs, _wait_ , and disappears out of the room.

When he comes back he’s holding a marker, and he straddles Ben’s hips.

“What?”

Callum takes his arm, turns it to expose the soft skin underneath. I love you, he writes, and Ben doesn’t mean it when he rolls his eyes. Not really. Then he takes Ben’s other arm, and does it on there too, ignoring Ben’s protests as he writes it on his collarbone, and his pec, and his tummy. By the time he gets to Ben’s hip, and his thigh, Ben’s half hard and out of breath.

He touches at Callum’s hair, his face, puts a hand under his chin to make him look up.

“I know. I promise, I know.”

Callum writes it again, but this time on his own arm.

“Callum,” he gasps, and Callum throws away the marker and takes Ben in his mouth.

_It’s the truth_

**5.**

Ben gets a letter in the post. It’s Callum’s handwriting, and there’s no address, so he doesn’t know why his hands shake when he opens it. He can’t remember the last time he was given a handwritten note - at least not one that wasn’t a proposition, or a threat. Paul had left some post-its sometimes, cute and lovely and promising.

Callum’s a whole other kind of romantic, he knows.

 _Ben_ , it starts, and Ben slumps into a chair. 

_I didn’t want to send all this in a text. I know how you feel about screens right now, and I want you to see this. Believe this._

_Also, I know how I felt reading Chris’s letters. And how sorry I was I never gave him the chance to send them to me instead. I don’t want to make the same mistake with you._

_Ben, I’m sorry I can’t fix this for you. I’m sorry it can’t be fixed, not the way you want it to be. I’m sorry that life will never be the way you planned._

_But I want you to know that today, and tomorrow, and every other day, your life is still worth living. You are still worthy of life._

_The first day I met you I thought, wow. You were like a hurricane of a person, I’d never met any one like you. And even though so much has changed, you are still that man. Still willing to go to the ends of the earth for the people you care about. Still willing to fight for others._

_Ben, please fight for yourself. I know this is total bollocks, and I want you to take as much time as you need to grieve it all. But please, please keep fighting. I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you again. I don’t want us to be lost to each other._

_I don’t want your love of life to be lost._

Ben’s hands are definitely shaking now, and he’s barely able to keep the letter upright as he wipes at his eyes. He feels himself gasp with it, feels the breath on his skin, and he smiles to himself and keeps on reading.

_I love you, Ben, and I know I’ve told you again and again but I’ll keep telling you until you’re ready to believe it. I’m in love with you, and for as long as I love I’ll never forget how that feels. You changed me, and I’ll hold you in my heart for the rest of my life._

_I’ll see you at dinner._

_Yours,_

_Callum._

  
  


_+1_

Ben knows three things for sure: He’s deaf, his hearing might never come back, and Callum Highway is in love with him.

Ben’s known this a long time. Before Christmas, even, when Callum said it out loud and pulled at the last thread keeping it all together. If they could just ignore it, if Ben could just pretend he didn’t feel the same way - then maybe he could forgive himself for luring Callum into this life.

If Ben made a list of why it was a terrible idea it would probably go something like this:

  * Callum will get hurt
  * Callum will change, for the worse
  * Callum will never have everything he wants



But honestly it would be more like this:

  * I will get hurt
  * I will change, for the better
  * Callum will realise he wants more, and leave me



Ben’s had good things in his life. It’s not like he’s a stranger to happiness, or hope. But he’s also been the victim enough times to know better. He’s been left with scars that go right to the bone; and healing’s a funny thing when you carry all that around with you. 

He knows, though, in spite of it all.

He knows he’s been healing.

“Hi.”

When Callum gets home the letter’s still open on the table, and Ben’s eyes are still red from crying. Callum pulls up a chair, looking worried, grabbing Ben’s hands and searching his face. He doesn’t try to talk.

“Thank you. For the letter.”

Callum smiles. _you’re welcome_

“I can’t believe you … it just blows my mind, sometimes, that you came here. That you’re mine.”

Callum wraps him in a hug, Ben keening into it, wiping his face on Callum’s shoulder and breathing him in. He kisses him there, then his neck, and his cheek, all the way to his mouth, the two of them cradling each other's face in their hands as they kiss.

“I, uh, I have something for you,” Ben tells Callum, pulling away enough that he can sniff and wipe at his face and laugh at himself. Callum looks at him, confused.

“I’ve, uh, been working on it a few weeks now. Me and Lexi have.”

Callum tilts his head. Ben lifts his hands.

 _I love you_ , he signs, then does again as he says it out loud. “I love you.”

Callum’s whole face collapses with the emotion, tears and happiness and disbelief, pulling Ben to him in another fierce hug. It’s amazing how he can’t hear any of it, Callum’s emotions or the sound of his name, or even the chairs creaking beneath the weight of it. It’s amazing how he’s shut out from all that and yet the world feels so big right here.

“I love you so much, babe. I ain’t giving up, I promise ya, I won’t.”

Ben feels the wet warmth of Callum’s tears. He feels their knees knocking, Callum’s strength enclosed around him. He feels the rapid fire pace of his heart, and the dryness of his mouth, and the faint sick feeling in his stomach.

This is going to be hard, but he’s gonna get through it. For his daughter, and his boyfriend, and his family.

For himself, and all the things he knows are true.

He’s worth it. 

**Author's Note:**

> thefancyspin @ tumblr


End file.
